


arranged

by onthighsbelongtotaemin



Category: SHINee
Genre: Arranged Marriage, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-20 06:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8239670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthighsbelongtotaemin/pseuds/onthighsbelongtotaemin
Summary: princess eunsook has her marriage to prince taemin arranged as part of the peace treaty formed between their two kingdoms.  she meets him after they are wed & the man her father has bound her to is not what she expects.





	1. meeting

eunsook stands silently in the bedroom of a stranger, her husband, a man she met three hours ago & whose arrival she anticipates shortly.  the room is quiet, dim.  in the far corner sit a velvet sofa & matching arm chair.  heavy drapes lay over high windows & block out all natural light.  candles flicker throughout the room & three lamps valiantly fight off complete darkness. 

the bridal clothes she wears feel tight, constricting, despite their loose design.  the sleeves of the crimson gown reach her wrists, anchored to her fingers by slim golden chains.  the skirt reaches her ankles, brushing against the floor & across her golden slippers, matched to the golden thread delicately woven throughout her gown.  a sheer crimson veil covers her face, fluttering with every anxious breath, falling just past her waist, & a gold chain belt sits on her hips.  her long hair, as long as her veil, has been braided into a crown.  the strands sit elegantly on her head, softly framing her face.  her body is ensconced in material meant to create the illusion of beauty, yet she feels certain that the revelation of her true image will be a disappointment to the man she has just wed.

she is a birthday gift of sorts, a prize for the young prince finally coming of age.  not quite that, though it feels as such.  their engagement had been decided upon over a year ago, when he was only sixteen & she twenty.  their fathers had agreed to the match but their mothers had insisted that its consummation be delayed until the prince was, in the eyes of the law, a man & no longer a child.  there are many points kings may fight upon, but when queens unite they are bound to concede.

she was surprised that he did not appear as young as she knew him to be, though when he’d laughed his youth was evident.  short black hair & wide shoulders, dark black eyes & small hands.  he was handsome, she thought, though his lips were odd.  her fingertips were brushing her own lips before she realized she had even raised a hand.  she drops it to her side & blushes in the silence.

she shifts nervously as she waits, her stomach in knots, purposefully ignoring the bed behind her: a grand mahogany canopy with pale yellow silk draped over it, falling to the floor.  the women who prepared her, her mother, her grandmother, her aunt, & her cousin, had given her no advice other than to remember that her body was now his: she had no right to refuse any request.  eunsook is not unfamiliar with the ways of men but she has never lain with one & she is apprehensive of fulfilling such an obligation with a stranger.

there’s a quiet knock on the door & a query from the other side which is muffled by the wood.  the door opens & she doesn’t move, her trepidation suddenly turned to fright.  everything is suddenly very real as she’s faced with the prince entering the room, closing the door behind himself, & turning to her with a smile she doesn’t know.

“hello, eunsook.”  his voice is startlingly deep for such a delicate face.  deep brown eyes watch her & she hopes he’s as kind as they seem.

“hello, my lord.”, is her muted reply.  her gaze falls to the floor, her fingers fidgeting with her veil.  they are alone in a dark room with a large bed & she waits for his request.

“would you like to sit?”

the question lingers between them, trapped between the poser & eunsook’s confusion.  she gives a quick nod & waits to follow his lead.  he walks to the darkened corner & pulls aside a heavy panel, letting in enough light that they no longer have to rely on the pale illumination the lamps produce.  he beckons her to the armchair, waiting until she is seated before falling onto the sofa, his arms perched across the back.  eunsook’s eyes are still fixed on the carpet, though she knows she needs to be meeting his gaze.  slowly, she looks up & finds that he’s looking at her face.  she saddens at the thought that he may find her appearance displeasing. 

her looks have never been one of her assets, though she has at times been called “pretty”.  her proportions are average, though slightly softer than her cousin’s, & her smile has always received compliments.  but her husband may not find her crooked teeth charming, may find flaws in aspects of her form she had not thought of herself.  or worse, the ones she intimately knows.  perhaps it is her age he is dissatisfied with, a wife who is so much older.  twenty-one is not yet old but it is not young & she will always be elder in their relationship. 

what a disappointment she must be.

“when my sister taeyeon was married”, he begins, “they told her that her body was her husband’s, that she was to obey every command he gave.  before we were wed this morning, i was told yours was mine & that i should expect you to do the same.”  eunsook swallows, the depth of his tone & words making her already anxious heart thump a bit harder.  his leans forward, drawing his arms to his side & resting his elbows on his knees.

“i disagree.  there is nothing i want for you to do except to feel safe.  & it will be my responsibility to ensure that you do.”  eunsook blushes at the declaration & turns her gaze back to the ground.  “please, let me see your eyes.”  her eyelashes flutter as she looks back up.  his gaze is still gentle & his smile is so soft.  “everything that we do together will be at your consent & you will have every right to withhold it.  is that acceptable to you?”

it takes her a moment to process the question & she nods her acquiescence.  he leans forward a little more, watching her intently.

“may i kiss you?”

eunsook’s heart thumps in her chest.  her mind wars between the words of the women who had raised her & those of her husband, a stranger.  his kindness seemed genuine, yet there were stories of men who had appeared so as well & then turned cruel, even violent.  she has no way of knowing if he was one.  while there is a part of her that is apprehensive of taking such a step, another is delighted at the chance.  either way, in her mind there is no option but to concede & so she gives him a small smile & a quick nod. 

he watches her, making no move, & she wonders why he’s waiting.

“let us go for a walk.”, he says, surprising her.  he stands, stretching out his hand.  his palm is warm against her own as she slips her hand from beneath her veil & takes it, confused, using his strength to stand.  when he releases her, walking towards the door, she notices the chill from the loss. 


	2. delicate steps

there is a labyrinth of hallways to navigate that he does so with ease & that leave eunsook dizzy.  their home is a maze that one day may be familiar but is as now befuddling.  paned doors with sheer pearl white dressing lead to a vivid green lawn, & a garden planted with flowers of all colors: the air is rich with their scent.

“these may interest you.”, he says, pointing to an area planted with saplings of her beloved homeland’s native plants.  the selection is detailed & all her favorites are among them.  awestruck, she forgets herself & leans down to feel the tender leaves between her fingers, holding her veil back with her empty hand.  they are blooms & greenery she had not anticipated seeing in this realm, ones she had cultivated in a life before becoming an addendum to a treaty between two kings.

“you approve?”  the query is posed from behind her.  startled, she stands up far too quickly, the rush leaving her a bit light-headed.

“yes, my lord.”, she replies, embarrassed.  glancing down, the desire to caress them again, to feel the familiarity of home within their emerald stalks is overwhelming.  hopeful, she poses a query of her own.  “is it alright if i touch them?”  a warm laugh is his response, his eyes turning to crescents. 

“of course, they are yours.”  a polite smile blushes over her lips as she bends to touch the plants again.  pausing, she turns back to her husband.

“thank you, my lord.”

~

their wedding day is spent with the prince leading eunsook through the grounds that surround the estate wherein they will live.  the yard is glorious & many hours, she thinks, will be spent within its flowered paths.  there are growths she has never before seen, plants that make her eyes widen in wonder, blossoms that take her breath away with their scent, the vibrancy of their colors. 

he takes her to a large stable full of horses.  the scent of the mares & the hay remind her of the smile of a stable boy she once thought she might love, of boys she knew loved each other.  he promises to take her on a ride within the week, “when we’re both better suited for it”, he says looking down at his silk tunic & pants with a smile.  when he looks up she’s smiling back & for a moment it’s just them & their private joke.  the whinny of a horse breaks the spell & they both laugh, turning away from each other.

he never touches her, never again asks for a kiss.  every question posed is to ascertain whether she approves of what she is shown, & whether there is anything more she would like.  she can think of nothing & simply praises the beauty before her.  often she finds his eyes on her & she wonders what he sees.  eventually enough time passes that eunsook begins to feel slightly faint, her hand resting absently on her stomach that pangs with hunger.

“perhaps it is time we went back & had something to eat.”, he says & she nods lightly in response.  he’s watching her with concern as he guides her back to the house & she does her best to maintain a smile.  instead of a dining hall, he leads her to a simple room with a small wooden table & set of matching chairs.  confused, she sits where he indicates she should, the chair stiff beneath her as she watches him leave, stepping through a door that swings behind him in his wake.  muted noises from another room flutter through the wall as she waits quietly for his return.  a plate is held in one hand & a glass in another as the prince reenters the room.  both are placed before her with a timid “i hope this is alright” & a shy smile.  the plate holds her favorite sandwich with a piece of fruit cut to pieces beside it, the glass filled with juice. 

“yes, thank you.”, is what she says, though she wants to know how he knew. 

“may i?”  his fingers hover in the air before her face & it takes a moment for her to realize that he’s asking to lift her veil.  she nods & leans forward, keeping her eyes on his face as the crimson silk disappears from her visage & her husband’s face is suddenly clear.

“beautiful.”, she hears, the words so quiet she might have missed them if she hadn’t seen them form on his lips, & there’s a gentle flutter in her chest.  he sits down across from her, gesturing at her food with an encouraging smile.  it’s unnerving to be watched while eating but her hunger is strong so she takes small, deliberate bites, wishing he would speak.  when he doesn’t, in lieu of anything better, eunsook swallows & murmurs “happy birthday, my lord”.  his laughter is warm in response.

“thank you.  are you enjoying your meal?”  she nods.

 “yes, thank you.  it is delicious.”  a thought occurs to her & she acts on it before her nerves can win out.  shyly holding out the sandwich, she asks, “would you like a bite?”  there’s a pause & from the way he is looking at her she thinks she may have made a great mistake.

“yes.”, he replies, leaning forward & taking a bite, chewing as he sits back up.  there’s something about the action, the way his jaw flexes & his eyes on her, that makes her heart skip & her face flush.  she finishes eating in silence.

afterwards, they walk back to the bedroom, something new & unfamiliar between them.  the room is darker than she remembers, her eyes now accustomed to the sunlight, & standing alone with her husband is setting her nerves on edge again.  the heavy wooden doors with their ornate designs shut ominously behind them & she takes a ragged breath as he steps before her.  neither of them had replaced her veil & her face lays bare before her husband.  in this way she can see him clearly but he can also see her & she grows anxious under his gaze. 

“i am going to kiss you now, if i may.”  her eyes widen & then she nods, silently, her eyes blinking rapidly as she struggles to swallow back her disquiet, forcing herself to remain still as his hands cup her cheeks, warm & dry.  then his lips brush against her forehead, the softest touch she has ever experienced.  when he pulls away, his fingers brush her cheeks & she is left breathless.

“tonight, that is yours,” he says, gesturing toward the elaborate bed in the far corner of their bedroom, “and this,” he says, pointing to a simple cot that has been set up near the bed, though with plenty of space between the two, “is where i will be spending the night.  every night until you ask me to share your bed.”

“it is far too simple, my lord.”, she whispers, her cheeks flushed.

“it is enough.”, he replies with a smile.  “whatever you need to feel content, to feel comfortable in this marriage is what i will provide for you.  it is nothing to sleep in this cot if it means you are able to sleep peacefully in this room.  we are strangers & it is my duty to earn your trust.  i shall endeavor to do so no matter what it takes.”  it is a kindness & a complication.  the desire to accept his offer & maintain the comfort of distance is strong.  but lying with her husband is a threshold she must cross, & she’s not certain she can without being pulled across it.

“there’s no need, my lord.  you may join me tonight.”  he is on her in a flash & she stumbles backwards, her eyes wide & her hands outstretched.

“eunsook.  please, look at me.”  he has stopped just shy of her, standing right in front of her yet not touching any part of her body.  at the last moment her eyes had squinted shut & she had not yet opened them.  she does now, hesitantly, her hands still braced before her.

“please, do not force this.  i could not bear to know that you were unwilling in any way.”

“yes, my lord.”, she whispers, nodding, her arms slowly falling to her sides.

he turns away & she stays still, not certain what she should do, upset that she has upset him.

he leaves her alone in their bedroom with a promise to rejoin her as soon as she has prepared for bed, & sent a servant to assist her.  a young woman, tall, thin, & with stunning eyes, had knocked on the door.

“the prince has requested that i attend to you, your highness.”, she had said with a bow.  eunsook had paused, uncertain how far she wanted to go.  she’d only ever had her cousin help her with her clothes & this girl is a stranger.  the girl keeps her wide eyes on eunsook’s face, waiting for a command because they are strangers to each other & they’ve yet to develop a language between them.   it’s the girl’s timidity that causes eunsook to reluctantly shake off her fears & let a smile bloom across her lips.  besides, there was no choice but to acquiesce to girl’s assistance; eunsook knows where nothing is. 

“yes.  and your name is?”

“minjung, my lady.”

eunsook requests a bath & stands still as minjung’s deft fingers slowly remove her belt & veil.  the loops across her fingers are undone as are the clasps holding her dress to her body.  her earrings & rings, necklaces & bracelets, are lain beside the garments, stark in their crimson & gold against what she discovers is a pale gray satin spread covering the bed.  she is wrapped in a soft towel by minjung’s gentle hands & led through a paneled door into a room inlaid with an enormous bath.  her hair is uncoiled & brushed while heated water pours into the basin, the soothing sound of running water a comfort.  as is the feel of her scalp being massaged by the bristles. 

the bath is hot when she steps in & steam surrounds her, opening her pores & her lungs.  her head rests against a towel minjung rolled up for her, her eyes fixated on the wall.  the young woman had kept her gaze averted while she removed her clothing & had left before eunsook had submerged herself beneath the water.  though there was some relief in the protection of her modesty, the action only heightened her awareness of being undressed in front of a stranger.  and she couldn’t help but wonder: if she was this shy in front of a woman she had no interest in how much more difficult would it be to bare herself before her husband?

minjung is in the other room sorting through the assortment of garments in her enormous trousseau, searching for a gown suitable for eunsook to sleep in.  it is an arduous task & she feels guilty that minjung must undertake it.  at least they are all sorted by occasion; gwiboon had seen to that.  even though she is a second daughter, due to the vitality of the marriage to the survival of the kingdom every effort had been made to present her as a wife fit for a king & no expense had been spared when it came to her clothing & jewels.  eunsook could only hope they would not regret investing so much in her. 

she slips beneath the surface & stares up through the ripples.

eunsook is dressed in a soft gown that falls to her ankles, sleeveless & pale violet with a cinched waist.  her damp hair lies in a braid over her shoulder, ending just above her waist.  she stands beside the bed waiting for taemin’s return, minjung having left to retrieve him several minutes ago.  she fiddles with her fingers, staring at the door, wondering whether he will still be upset & what she should do if he is.

there’s a knock at the door followed by the soft murmur of her name & her heart skips as she replies, “yes, come in.”  the door opens & her husband steps across the threshold.  he has exchanged his formal cream & crimson wedding suit for a simple gray cotton shirt & matching pants.  when he sees her he pauses, a startled look on his face & she panics, fearing that he is displeased with her unadorned appearance.  perhaps it is the brace she wears beneath, the one that holds her breasts firm that is the matter.  she needs it though; she needs that last touch of modesty if she’s to be comfortable sleeping alone with a stranger.

“you look beautiful.”, he whispers.  she blushes, unaccustomed to praise.

“would you like me to lie down first?  or would you prefer to speak more before we sleep?”  the options are unexpected & she has difficulty deciding.  she’s tired but not sleepy & her nerves are still on edge from the day.  she decides that a conversation would be nice & she says so, following him as he steps across the room, resuming her position on the velvet chair as he takes a seat on the sofa.

it’s quiet for a bit too long, his gaze still on her, so she puts on a smile & asks what he would like to talk about.

“what is your favorite color?”, he asks, his chin resting on his fist as he leans against the arm of the sofa.  she blinks, surprised by the question.

“my favorite color?  well...i suppose it’s gray.  not a dark gray, more of a blue gray.  like the sky just before a storm.”  he smiles at that.  “what is your favorite color, my lord?”  a soft chuckle slips through his teeth.

“well it was yellow.  i believe it’s gray now.”  eunsook leans back, perplexed.

“yellow is such a beautiful color, my lord.  i especially like yellow flowers.”  that’s true, yet it fails to include that all flowers are liked by her.

“then it is good that we have some already planted in the garden.”, he replies.  “we should plant more if you would like.”  eunsook nods, a thought crossing her mind that she’s a bit timid to address aloud, but more interested in the potential agreement.

“would it...”, she pauses, blinking.

“yes?”

“would it be acceptable for me to do some of the planting?”  his eyes are on her & she feels the pressure of his silence.  then he bursts into a smile that spreads its way to her own lips.

“always.  it is your garden after all.”  eunsook’s eyes widen in surprise & the prince laughs.

“this is your home.  there is no need for you to ask to do anything in or to it.  tell me what you need & it will be provided.  you are the mistress of this house, it is yours to do with as you please.”  eunsook is bewildered.  throughout the preparations for her marriage, the women in her life had reminded her that everything would be his, including her body & their home, that he would be ruler of it all.  yet he has spent the entire day telling her that it is actually hers.

“thank you, my lord.”, she whispers with a smile.  he nods his head & silence falls between them.  it’s soft & she feels a bit of the tension that has been weighing on her all day fade.  she’s not comfortable yet, she definitely wouldn’t say she felt safe enough to go beyond what they’ve already done: a stroll, a private conversation, a chaste kiss.  his words & actions so far have indicated that she has been married to a truly kind man & she wonders when she will feel at ease enough to do more.  she hopes it won’t be long.

they sit in amicable silence a few minutes more.  she thinks she catches him about to speak a few times but nothing is said.  it leaves her wondering what he’s afraid to say & wishing she could think of something herself.  finally, he asks her if she is ready to retire for the night & she must admit that she is quite tired.

“would you like to settle in first or shall i?”, he asks.  it’s an oddly embarrassing question & she’s humiliated to feel herself blushing.  he doesn’t laugh, though, so as she stands she murmurs that she will retire first & begins to walk towards the empty bed.

“eunsook.”, he says, & she turns to find him looking at her with that same piercing gaze she’d been the recipient of all day.  it’s a sharp shift from the tenderness she’d seen in his eyes only a moment ago.

“yes, my lord?”

“i would like to do this every night.  one private conversation & one kiss.  would that be all right with you?”  eunsook swallows nervously at the request.

“yes, my lord.”, she replies, because it would.  she begins to turn, stopping when he again speaks.

“eunsook?”

“yes, my lord?”

“one last favor?”

“yes, my lord?”

“please call me taemin.”

silence hangs between them while eunsook builds up the courage to do as she is asked.  his name was never intended to be on her lips & yet he has asked that she place it there.  this is so unlike the rigid social construct she has known all her life that it is an actual force of will that makes her able to fulfill his wish.

“yes...taemin.”  saying his name aloud feels unfamiliar & thrilling & forbidden.  & the way he smiles at her is breathtaking.  the sheer curtains of the canopy are brushed aside by her own hand & she slips through them onto the bed, the silk falling silently behind her.  while it had been warm & bright outside, their bedroom is cool & dark & she snuggles beneath the satin coverlet.  it’s pulled up to her chin, wrapped up in her fist, as she watches her husband lie down on his little cot.  a pang of guilt hits her chest & she think it’s not fair that he should be so reduced in his own home. 

he lies on his back, his hands behind his head, & turns to her with a smile & a quick, “good night, eunsook.”  he watches her a little too intently for it to have been a simple salutation & she thinks maybe he wants to hear her say his name again. 

“good night.  taemin.”  his smile broadens as he closes his eyes, wiggling a little on the tiny cot as he quickly falls asleep.  she envies the swiftness & lies quietly in the dark a while before sleep finally accepts her in its embrace.


	3. threshold

their mornings & evenings are spent together, their days apart.  taemin’s business keeps him away from their home & eunsook’s status keeps her there.  she enjoys their mornings together but finds herself counting the hours until the evening, when time is no longer a constraint.  she busies her mind & hands with soil & greenery. 

they eat their evening meals together & he takes her on walks & on horseback rides, fulfilling his promise made on their wedding day.  he’s caught her from falling twice & laughed at three jokes she had tentatively made.  smiling in his presence has become as reflexive as breathing.

it’s their talks that she especially looks forward to, after they’ve prepared for bed & before they slip beneath their respective sheets.  and the kiss he gives her when they’re through.  he’s asked her to name her favorite flower, season, dessert, fragrance, drink, animal, song, activity.  tonight it’s her favorite book.  he’s kissed her forehead, each of her eyebrows, both temples, both cheeks, & her nose.

tonight he seems to be leaning towards her jaw when she, on impulse, presses her fingers to his lips.  he stands frozen & she glances frantically between his eyes & his mouth.

“may i?”, she asks, her fingers slipping away.  he nods, his eyebrows crinkled in confusion.  she leans forward, her gaze focused on his mouth, closing her eyes just as she presses his lips with her own.  they’re soft & warm, & she thrills at the experience of their first kiss.  pulling back, she pauses before looking up, watching his face for a response.  his gaze is soft & she fidgets shyly beneath it.

“was that fine?”  he chuckles, & by now she knows that is a good response.

“yes, quite.  may i?”, he asks, his hands next to her jaw.  when she nods he slips them beside her neck, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs.  he leans down & their lips connect again, the warmth & softness now familiar.  then he’s moving his lips, guiding her, & it’s even better.  she doesn’t understand everything he’s doing, & she fumbles more than once trying to follow his lead.  when he pulls away it is too swiftly: she is light-headed & her cheeks are flushed.

“how do you feel?”, he asks, & she smiles happily, amused at his concern.

“very well.”  she leans in for another kiss but he rebuffs her gently, stepping back & away from her.

“that is enough for this evening, i think.  we should get some rest for the morning.  good night, eunsook.”  he is in bed beneath his covers, his back to her before she’s able to reply a dazed, “good night.”  much of her night is spent in fitful bursts of slumber, unhappy dreams provoking wakefulness: doubt & disquiet keeping her awake.

her uncertainties are abated when she is awoken the next morning by the soft murmuring of her name.  her eyes open to the sight of her husband kneeling beside her bed with a timid smile & warm eyes.  she smiles back, glad to see his face.

“may i have another kiss before breakfast?  and perhaps another after?”  she giggles as she sits up quickly, climbing across the bed until she is at the very edge, sat in front of where he kneels.

“yes, that would be very nice.”, she replies, as this time she takes his face in her hands.

another night passes & she’s asking him to share her bed.  he stops fiddling with the button at his wrist & looks up, searching her face.

“i would like you to be with me tonight.”, she repeats, uncertain now at the silent response she’s received.  they have made so much progress in such a little time, their talks deepening & their affections growing.  she is certain she is ready.

“no.”  a simple word, quietly spoken.  one that stabs her in a way she’s never felt.  she had not anticipated her request being denied & his tone brokers no argument.  she drops her head & stares at the floor, no more words to speak at such a firm refusal.  the room echoes only their quiet breaths, not even a clocks tick to drown out the silence.

eunsook’s heart hurts & she thinks she might cry.  she wishes taemin a curt “good night” & turns to her bed as quickly as her feet will take her, slipping beneath the covers at the farthest edge, her back to where he sits at the other side of the room.  tears do fall, silent sobs wracking her body.  the only things that would give her away if he were to look too closely are the shallow breaths she takes.  she does her best to muffle them, pressing the pillow to her lips.

a soft creak is heard, followed soon by the steady breaths of taemin’s sleep.  it’s another wound to her pride & she cries a bit more.

her head aches & her throat is sore & she just wants to sleep.  it comes in fits filled with heart-breaking dreams that wake her with fresh tears on her cheeks.  the third time she wakes she decides she cannot endure it anymore.  the sound of her husband calmly sleeping while her mind is troubled is too much to bear alone.  she slips out of her bed & leaves the bedroom.

the night is warm & the grass is soft beneath her feet.  if she hadn’t been in such a hurry to escape the confines of their room she would have slipped coverings over her feet.  instead they are bare & chilled, growing dirty with every step she takes over the darkened lawn.

there had been no intention in her steps yet here she finds herself beside the fledgling blossom presented to her on the day she was wed.  it wasn’t so long ago yet it feels as though it were ages.    leaves painted black by the moon slip between her fingers like velvet.  it’s odd, she thinks, as she tilts her head to stare at the stars & the sliver of moon that glitter in the sky above, that she should in this moment feel so alone when she has been so publicly bound.  a sigh escapes her lips & her chest aches at the thought of gwiboon.

_“you’re like a fairy princess!”, she had exclaimed, eyes bright as she braided eunsook’s hair.  her head had rested against gwiboon’s lap as the younger girl’s thin fingers worked through her tresses.  “off to meet your prince.”_

_“yes,” eunsook had murmured, “meet.”  a silence descended upon them, the only sound the slight rustle of gwiboon’s gown as her fingers wove the strands of hair together.  the braid slipped into her lap & neither of the girls moved._

_“perhaps he will be handsome.”  it was a weak attempt at consolation, every other avenue easily blocked by her cousin’s melancholy._

_“perhaps.”, eunsook murmured, finding gwiboon’s hand & gripping it with her own.  gwiboon bent over & kissed eunsook’s forehead, leaning back & tilting her head to rest it upon her cousin’s.  the stuttered rise & fall of the elder’s chest was the only indication of the tears silently gliding down her cheeks as thin fingers ran up & down her arm._

her fingers graze the places where the tears fell as she closes her eyes & remembers the way gwiboon’s lips felt against her skin.  a lifetime of memories swirl out & she wraps herself in every one of them, remembers the love they shared: stolen kisses, soft caresses, & warm embraces.

the memories are vital now, she needs them for courage & for hope.  to remember that she had been loved, to believe that she could be again.  looking down at the bud in her hand she is met with evidence that she has been thought worthy of such a beautiful gift. 

enough time has been spent wallowing, she thinks, just as the distant crunch of a guard’s boot against the gravel echoes in the dark.  startled, she rises from her vigil & hurries back inside.  the doorknob is gripped in her hand as she closes the paned door as quietly as possible, the click of the lock far too loud in the silent house.  she stands still, listening to the sound of her own breaths as she waits to be discovered.  there is nothing, no one, only herself alone in the dark.  her eyes flit up to the moon that still glows, stars flickering in the black sky.  a few shaky breathes are taken as she simply stares at the celestial beauty, admiring their lights.

eventually a calm settles itself like a soft blanket & she steps away from the window.  the walk back to her chamber is quiet & dim, only the moonlight shining through the windowed hallway to guide her steps.  the knob feels cold in her hand as she twists it, struggling with the door that is nearly too heavy for her to push open when it whips from her grasp, flying open so quickly that it nearly pulls her with it.  she grasps the doorpost for balance as she’s met with her husband’s mussed hair & panicked eyes, his breaths as rapid as her own.

they stare at each other, their eyes wide: hers with surprise & his with fear.

“eunsook.”  he swallows as he stares at her, not moving from where he blocks her entry into their room.  it is not a question but it is her name, yet she is not entirely certain how to respond so she merely nods in affirmation.  they’re at an impasse, she in the hallway with her hand pressed against the frame of the door taemin grips with white fingers & he’s staring at her still.

“i was having trouble sleeping so i went out to the gardens.”  perhaps an explanation of her absence is necessary, perhaps that is what he is waiting to hear before he allows her passage.  yet he still doesn’t move, he still stares at her, & she’s becoming frightened that she may have angered him with her actions.  maybe she wasn’t allowed to leave without his permission in the night.  he had said that it was her home & garden to roam through as she pleased but perhaps that was only during the day. 

he’s still staring at her & her heart is thumping in her chest & she is afraid.  the only thing she can think of to do is to apologize for whatever it is that is keeping him from letting her in.  just as she opens her mouth to speak he releases the knob & pulls her into his arms, his embrace tight & warm, his breath soft against her neck.  he has her shoulders locked in his arms & she awkwardly raises her hands to his waist, resting her palms just above his hips.  they stand silently in the doorway as eunsook’s husband holds his wife close.

he's holding her almost painfully tight & she is torn between requesting that he release her & relishing the feel of their bodies touching.  it is a relief & a distress when he pulls away, his hands warm against her shoulders as he presses his forehead to hers, his breaths soft & the only sound between them.  her eyes rest on his nose, crossing slightly as she waits, her hands still resting at his waist.

“may i kiss you?”, he asks, his eyes still closed & their foreheads pressed together.  she begins to nod then thinks better of it.

“yes.”

he lifts his hands from her shoulders & tilts his head back, cupping her face in his hands as he looks at her again with that inscrutable gaze that makes her heart ache.  his fingers brush the loose strands of hair away from her face, petting her head beneath his palms before they slide again against her cheeks.  and then he kisses her, his lips soft & warm against her own.  it’s unlike any of the kisses they have shared before; this one is urgent, passionate, & she’s left breathless when he deepens it, the sensation both foreign & welcome.

eunsook is gasping for air when they finally pull apart, her eyes closed & her lips tingling.  her fingers still rest at taemin’s waist & her face remains cradled within his palms.  she is dimly aware that her feet still rest on the cool wooden floorboards of the hallway, the darkness thick behind her, & she wants to step across the threshold, towards her husband, towards the light.

for now, it is enough just to be held by him, to feel the warmth of his fingers against her skin, the muscles beneath his tunic flexing with every stifled breath.

“i was frightened,” he whispers, “when i found you had gone.”  eunsook’s eyes fly open & she looks at him in distress, his own eyes still pressed shut.  he lets out a shaky breath that blows against her lips, a ghost of a kiss.  she wants to know why he was scared, why her absence had upset him so.  she thinks it better to let him have this moment, to grace him with silence.  so she simply holds him, quietly, letting him hold her in return.

they stand there for moments or hours; eunsook loses all track of time.  abruptly, he steps away, his fingers slipping from her cheeks & her hands falling from his waist, limp at her sides.

“perhaps we should go to bed.”, he murmurs, his eyes slowly rising to meet hers.  her heart skips a beat because she’s not sure he means what she’s hearing, & she’s almost too afraid to ask.

almost.

“we?”  her voice is soft & meek, tentatively hopeful, & she can feel the blush blooming across her cheeks.

“if it will keep you here, yes.”

her heart breaks at the reply.

“i will stay either way.”  all this time he had been so careful to move in a manner & a speed that catered to her comforts, her needs, her apprehensions.  to think that he would sacrifice his own honor to acquiesce to her desires is abhorrent, & she can’t imagine hurting this man she has grown to love in any way.

and she does love him, she realizes, standing just outside of their bedroom, the cold wood floor now warmed beneath her bare feet.  she smiles encouragingly & waits. 

he watches her with uncertainty.  the silence between them is heavy & she shifts uncomfortably beneath its hold.

“i do want to lie with you, eunsook.  more than words can express i desire it.”  his words are slow & her brows furrow in confusion because his words are not matching his mournful tone.  “but i do not think you yet understand what that means.  there are things we should do first, steps we should take together.  perhaps you feel pressured to please me in this way but i assure you there is still time.”

enough has passed, she thinks, as she nods silently.

“we can start now, if you like.”

 this is not what she was expecting.  she was expecting a dismissal, a command to their separate beds, a repetition of the refusal she had received earlier that evening.  she nods again as he reaches out his hand, taking it as she finally steps through the door.  it’s so quiet that even its gentle shut crackles through the room & she shudders both at the sound & the sudden anticipation.

~

 he leads her to their bed, setting her down so that she is seated at the very foot.  his hands are at either side of her thighs, pressed into the linens that cover the bed.  he’s looking at her with concern, trepidation, & she opens her mouth to assure him that he doesn’t need to do anything he isn’t comfortable doing.  his hands move from the bed onto her thighs, massaging them gently with his thumbs, his eyes never leaving hers. 

“tell me if you want me to stop.  no matter what we are doing, no matter what you think i want.  any time you decide you want to stop we will stop.  promise me.”

“yes, i promise.”

it’s an easy enough thing to agree to.  everything they have done until now has been pleasant, she has enjoyed it all, & she loves him, believes that he would never hurt her.  why would she ever feel uncomfortable?  he leans forward & she meets him halfway, slipping her arms around his neck as their lips meet, their kiss deepening, all the while her thighs are massaged beneath his expert thumbs.

she gasps & pulls back, still caught in their kiss, her hands slipping down to brace against his shoulders.  she’s frightened now, suddenly understanding the full reality of what she’s asking him to do.  memories of the examination she had endured to ensure her virginal state before the engagement was agreed upon, & the one just days before their wedding, suddenly burn in her brain & she visibly shudders.  he slips his hands back up to where they had rested on her thighs only a moment ago, concern in his eyes.

“do you want to stop?”  she watches him, nervously, not certain how she wants to respond.  it was surprising but not unpleasant, not like before but she’s somewhat afraid it will be if they continue.  but she doesn’t want to stop.

“no.”, she replies, though her voice doesn’t sound certain.  she repeats the negation more forcefully & sighs when her husband doesn’t look convinced.  “i was just surprised, that’s all.”

“i’m sorry, i should have asked first.”

“it’s alright.”, she murmurs, smiling down at him.  he still looks uncertain, still isn’t moving.  she leans down & takes his face in her hands kissing him gently, softly, chastely.  she leans back, smiling, his face cradled in her palms as she watches the first glimmers of hope shine in his eyes.  “i trust you.”

what he does to her that night is nothing like what she endured against her will.  everything he does is everything she has done herself, more even, in ways that set off nerves she wasn’t even aware she had. 

there is no fantasizing about the stable boys & what she had witnessed, no thoughts of how beautiful her cousin looked in the sunlight.  she is present in the moment & the man she loves is caressing her body: she’s not certain how many times she has calls out his name before he stops.

they spend the next few nights in the same manner, eunsook lost to the pleasure taemin’s hands & lips bring her, blushing when she thinks of the things he has done with his tongue.  it’s exquisite & she laughs to think she was ever frightened. 

she’s lying on her back, pressed against the pillows, her night dress pressed up to her waist, still too bashful to bare herself fully.  taemin’s head is between her legs, her fingers tangled in his hair as he crooks his fingers inside her.  her breath comes in quick, desperate gasps as he flicks out his tongue.

his name is on her lips as she cries out, eyelids fluttering.  he’s pressing soft kisses to the inside of her thighs, massaging them his hands.  he has praised her thighs constantly, seems mesmerized by them, & she flushes with joy at his attentions. 

“have you done this with many?”  it is a question that has weaved itself through her thoughts yet she never meant to voice it aloud.  she gasps & covers her mouth with her hand, horrified at what she has just done, apologies spilling over her lips.  taemin only chuckles, kissing her thigh once more before sitting up, pressing her legs back together.

“would you prefer if i had not?”  she pauses before she whispers, “it would have been fairer.”

“ah.”  he’s still chuckling, not quite meeting her eyes now, clearly amused.  “yes, though not many.  and not since our engagement.”  she raises her eyebrows at that because there had been no need for him to abstain all these years.  there’s no need to now, she thinks sadly.

seeming to guess her thoughts he leans back down & takes her hand, pressing it against his chest, his heartbeat thrumming beneath her fingers.

“i saw you, after our engagement was announced.  i snuck onto your grandmother’s estate when you visited there for the summer.  she recognized me immediately.  she should have sent me away, perhaps called the guards even.  instead she pointed you out to me.  you were...you are the most beautiful girl i have ever known.”  eunsook looks away because she knows it’s not true.  her entire life has been a comparison of herself between her sister & her cousin & she has always, always fallen short.  never has she been called beautiful, never have her thighs that gave her mother so much angst been adored.  it can’t be true.

“stop.  whatever it is you are thinking, stop.  believe me.  trust me.”  she swallows at that last request because he has already told him she trust him with her body: why shouldn’t she trust his words?  so she sits up & presses a kiss to his lips, a silent agreement to his request.  when she sits back it is with a serious gaze & a thumping heart.  her cheeks flush at what she’s about to ask, frightened that he may think less of her for what she knows, for what she has done.

“there are...”, she stops, swallowing, waiting for courage.  the amusement in his eyes twinkles at her & she hopes it won’t dissipate with what she’s about to say.  “that is...you have shown me much affection & i...”, she looks down, unable to meet his gaze.  “perhaps it is time i am allowed to show you affection as well.”  she keeps her eyes down, embarrassed to have said so much, nervous to see his response.  these are things she should not know.  a virginal princess should be pure & unwise to the ways of sex, in any form, & she had already crossed a line as a youth by learning to pleasure herself.  now she is revealing that she understands that there is more than lying on her back & allowing the prince to have his way & it is terrifying to be revealing so much.

she thinks of the stable boys, of jonghyun & minho, & of what she had witnessed them do in the barn.  they had no way of knowing that she was in the loft, nestled in a dim corner with a book & a pillow of straw.  and she had no way of alerting them without causing too many questions to be born between them.  so she remained silent, listening to their breaths grow deeper & quicker, listened to the soft refrains of the other’s name falling from their lips, the sounds of their bodies working in tandem.

it was intoxicating.

she understands that there are differences, that the way the boys shared their bodies is not the ways she will share hers with her husband.  but there are things that they did, that she had witnessed through the gaps in the bales of hay, that she believes even a wife might be capable of.

after all, a man is a man.

she thinks of the way minho sat on his knees, the way he worked his hand & mouth, the way jonghyun ran his fingers through those dark curls & moaned, & she wants to feel taemin’s fingers thread through her own.

everything they have done until now has been for her, every touch & caress meant to bring her pleasure.  it’s enough now, she is comfortable enough.  even to the point of slipping her gown over her head, her husband’s eyes widening at her newly naked form.  she wants those fingers in her hair, she wants to hear taemin moan the way jonghyun had, the way he has made her: she wants to hear her name fall brokenly from his lips.

her movements are tentative, stuttered.  the desire is there but not the full knowledge & she looks up for guidance.  he looks terrified, she thinks, which is not good because one of them needs to know what they’re doing & she doesn’t know enough to do this by herself.  he swallows hard before pulling her gently forward, kissing her deeply, & running his fingers up & down her naked form.  pulling away, he presses their foreheads together, his breathing uneven & his eyes squeezed shut.

“are you sure?”  she smiles & kisses his nose & whispers that yes, she is.  when he gently guides her hand to his lap she loses a bit of her confidence, lips pursing in concentration.

~

afterwards, she marvels at how unfazed by it she is when decorum says she should be scandalized.  it’s not as though it were pleasant, exactly, but it wasn’t unpleasant either.  and the feeling of taemin’s fingers tangling in her tresses, the way her name spilled brokenly from his lips just as she had dreamed it would, was worth every moment of uncertainty, of doubt.  he had pulled away from her at the last minute, her lips wet & tingly, confusing her with the rebuttal.  but when he had kissed her deeply, pulling her naked body flush with his, she had felt pride.

he still does not lie with her though he does begin to share her bed.  she doesn’t understand how he has so much control when she barely has any of her own.  for the time being she settles for lying in his arms, her head resting against his chest as she links her fingers with the hand at her waist.

it is an embarrassment when her bleeding begins & she must shy away from his affections.  he doesn’t make her leave completely, she is surprised to discover, having been told that men find such an act abhorrent.  having been raised exclusively among women, with only very young brothers & a father who visited solely when propriety dictated his presence, she had spent her days of fertility among her aunts & cousins, her mother & sisters, relaxing & massaged, no cares to be bothered with.  she was warned, however, that her husband may not afford such luxuries.

instead, he asks her what she requires, her desires, rubs her shoulders & feeds her fruit with his own hands.  he is a good man, she thinks, & she is grateful to have been put in his care, though her father could not have known that when he traded her away in return for peace.  this is what she thinks as she lays in the steaming bath, allowing her pain to be absorbed by the water.

her forehead is kissed & her lips are caressed as she waits impatiently to be able to do more.  when the day finally comes it is a relief to them both.  his hands feel like silk as they run up and down her waist, her thighs kissed as he moves between her legs.  there had been no reason for her attentions to have ceased during her fertility but he had insisted that it would not be fair if they could not both be pleased.  she warms to the sound of her name falling from his lips at her ministrations.

they map out each other’s bodies, learn what touches, what caresses the other enjoys, the ones they don’t.  eunsook waits eagerly for their nights, the hours they are allowed to spend together merely as husband and wife.  her days are spent as a princess & the lady of the house while his are as a prince, second in line to the throne & of great importance now that he has married the daughter of a previous enemy.  they are burdened with their titles & responsibilities & relief comes in the nights they spend entwined, lips & fingers dancing across flesh.  & eunsook wants more.  her body aches to be near taemin, to feel him, & she is still nervous but no longer scared to learn what exactly that may mean.  she wants her husband to lie with her.


	4. gentle hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> princess eunsook has her marriage to prince taemin arranged as part of the peace treaty formed between their two kingdoms. she meets him after they are wed & the man her father has bound her to is not what she expects.

seduction is not eunsook’s strength but she thinks perhaps that she knows him enough now to make the attempt.  the one time she had been the initiator had been a failure, a denial she had not anticipated that had led to a deepening of their relationship she could not have foreseen.  there sits between them the question of what taemin had feared, though now she suspects she understands.  love is a fickle thing.  weeks have passed since then, gentle weeks, ecstatic weeks, & this time, this time she hopes that she won’t be denied.

preparations are made for both her body & their bedroom.  the sheets are freshly washed & she has bathed & perfumed in anticipation of his arrival.  he remarks on her fragrance & leans in to smell her hair.  their dinner is light & compiled of foods she knows his palette prefers.  when they return to the bedroom it is dimly lit, small votives flicker with light in clusters around the bed.  the way his body slightly tenses causes her heart to flutter & for a moment she fears that her actions have been all wrong, a repellent rather than a seduction.

the tension in the room would have been easy to laugh off, to suggest that it was due to a headache or that she was in some other way feeling unwell, that her fragrance was to help her relax & the candlelight to ease her sore eyes.

yet she doesn’t.  too much time has passed, her desire too strong.

she leans up on her tiptoes, kissing him gently, whispering, “lie with me tonight, taemin.”  the tone of her words could easily be interpreted as either a question or a command, the eagerness of her eyes a mixture of both.  he’s looking at her with what is becoming a familiar look of trepidation.  on impulse, she reaches out & grabs his arms, squeezing gently.

“please.  i am ready.”  her eyes flicker between his & her breath is held in anticipation.

“eunsook, i...”  he begins to turn away & she moves along with him, keeping her eyes on his face.

“yes?”  there’s a sigh that sounds so resigned her heart aches.

“i have never done this before.”  it’s a quiet declaration, one that hangs delicately between them, fragile & easily fractured, spoken while he looks away.  she’s not certain what to say.  it had not truly occurred to her that he too would be inexperienced, especially when he knew so much.

“it was not just you i was waiting for.”, he murmurs.  “i was waiting also for myself.”  he looks up at that, his eyes achingly sad.  “i want to please you.  and i am not sure i will.”

without thinking she grabs his face in her hands & kisses him deeply, demandingly.  it’s a mess of desire & fear, & when they break apart, breathless, they’re both shaking.

“i will be pleased because it is you.  i trust you.  we will learn together.”  as she leads him to the bed he suddenly stops, his eyes wide & earnest.

“wait.  there is something i need to say.”  as he takes both of her hands in his, & moments full of depth pass interminably slow, eunsook hopes that it is good.

“i love you, eunsook.”  so simple, so soft.  it had never occurred to her that he had never said the words because he had shown her every day his love in everything he did.  she didn’t just love him in return, she felt his love.  hearing the words was almost an afterthought.

“and i you, taemin.”

it’s a little awkward, a little uncomfortable.  but their familiarity with each other’s bodies makes it more pleasant than anything else.  they take it slow because they want to take it fast, because they have time & they want to learn.  it feels strange & it feels right & eunsook thinks she’s grateful that they’ve waited until taemin shifts & she can think no more.  their bodies are marked, claimed by the lips & fingertips of the other, the air perfumed by their words, their breaths, their actions.  they find their rhythm quickly because they already know the other’s body, the other’s delights.  eunsook will blush later at the positions she finds herself in, the way she moves herself.  for now, she enjoys every sensation, every feeling, the experience of being so intimately connected with another person; the pleasure of being with taemin.

they collapse on each other, sweaty & breathless, soft kisses filling in the quiet gaps.  it’s a long night, an early morning, & they’re giddy when they finally fall asleep, eunsook tucked neatly beneath her husband’s arm, his fingers braided through her silky hair.

the absence of her fertility does not go unnoticed but she is hesitant to expect too much; many women conceive & then lose early on & her luck in life is not steady.  however, the approach of her birthday marks over three months without blood so finally a midwife is called.  her name is junghee & she is elderly with soft eyes.  her fingers are gentle in their examination & she smiles with a nod in confirmation.  recommendations are given, suggestions for diet & exercise, & a congratulations to the expectant parents.

eunsook cries happily in taemin’s arms that night & he kisses her head, his own eyes glistening.

there is a celebratory feast in the neutral land between their kingdoms, food & drink & music for days.  hostilities had ended over two years ago, but it had been a tentative truce, one braced upon the marriage of the royal children still available to be wed.  she celebrates being reunited with her family, feeling the soft hands of the elder women on her face & gwiboon in her arms again, kissing her lips.

taeyeon is lovely in both appearance & spirit, her smile a bright reflection of her brother’s.  she must have been at the wedding but eunsook has no recollection of being introduced to her.  their participation in the ceremony was not nearly as important as their parents’ & she’s not sure if even taemin was introduced to any of her family beyond the king.  so while her husband engages in conversation with her beloved cousin, she exchanges words with her newfound sister-in-law.  it is easy to speak with taeyeon, their words flow freely, & they make plans to meet soon after the festival.

the pregnancy is easy, her body accepting the developing life with ease.  winter is spent nestled in their home, a book in hand & a cup of herbal tea nearby.  the only changes she experiences are fatigue & an expanding waist.  once spring arrives she turns her attention to the gardens, planting & pruning, or just admiring the foliage.  minjung is a constant source of help, assisting eunsook in every manner, joining her for slow walks on the grounds.  a delightful girl, her shyness slipped away as time progressed & eunsook enjoys her passion, her eyes bright as she speaks.

when it is time for the baby to arrive she is surrounded by women.  gwiboon kneels beside the bed, her fingers playing with eunsook’s hair, taeyeon sits at a stool near her knee, junghee by her ankles, & minjung waits anxiously in a corner.  she is taking a rest, having been walking back & forth for several minutes.  her body aches, she is exhausted, & her husband’s hand is out of her reach.  she aches for his touch.  a sudden contraction throws her off & she struggles to rise to her feet, her cousin & sister-in-law doing their best to help.

bracing herself on the birthing stool, a soft hand at each shoulder & the midwife knelt before her, she pushes one last time, feeling the child finally leave her body.  she falls back, spent, caught in the embrace of gwiboon & taeyeon.  eyes closed, she smiles tiredly as the sound of a crying baby begins to resonate through the room.  there are soft gasps as the midwife brings her child & places them gently in eunsook’s arms, their head nestled at her breast.  they are the most beautiful creation she has ever laid eyes on & she begins to cry.

she is too tired to do much other than murmur her husband’s name, happy when he arrives, kissing her sweaty forehead & asking how she feels.  a little smile graces her lips as she delicately lifts their child, helping the father take them into his own arms.  he laughs, surprised little chuckles, as he stares down at the sleeping infant.

it has been a year since they were wed, a year of love & passion & friendship.  she is happy, she is comfortable, she has a husband she trusts, respects, & loves.  the kingdoms will be fully united now, there will be no more war now that a child ties them together.  it is what brought them together but it is not a thought in her head as she watches taemin hold their newborn.  she rests her hand on his arm, watching his face, grateful that her fate & heart had been placed in his gentle hands.


End file.
